5 Signs Your Child Needs Better Emotional Regulation Tools

You know your child better than anyone else in the world. You notice when they're "off," when something's bothering them, when their whole energy just feels different. And here's something I've learned from working with kids: their emotions almost always show up in their bodies first, way before they can put words to what they're feeling.

There's this concept called "felt sense" that I think every parent should know about. Dr. Eugene Gendlin describes it as "not a mental experience, but a physical one, a bodily sense of a situation, or a person or an event." Basically, kids feel everything in their whole body - and when emotions get too overwhelming, their bodies start sending us signals that they need some support.

So if you're wondering whether your child might benefit from some emotional regulation tools, here are five things I've noticed that often show up:

1. They're having trouble focusing or sitting still

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You might notice your child can't seem to concentrate on anything, or they're constantly fidgeting and moving around. Maybe they used to love puzzles but now can't sit through one, or they seem to "check out" when you're talking to them.

Here's what's happening: when kids are dealing with big emotions, their nervous system gets stuck in either "go go go" mode or "shutdown" mode. Neither one is great for learning or listening. It's not that they're trying to be difficult - their body is just working so hard to manage their feelings that there's not much energy left for anything else.

2. Sleep has become a battle

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Bedtime takes forever, they're waking up in the middle of the night, or they're having more nightmares than usual. Or maybe they're sleeping okay but still seem exhausted during the day.

When kids can't process their emotional experiences during the day, everything tends to bubble up at night when their guard is down. Their body is holding onto all those feelings, making it really hard to settle into that peaceful state they need for good sleep.

3. They're getting sick more often or having unexplained aches 🤒🤕🫁

You're seeing more stomachaches, headaches, or they're just catching every bug that goes around. You might also notice changes in bathroom habits - constipation, diarrhea, or even some regression in potty training.

The gut-brain connection is huge, especially in kids. When emotions can't get expressed or worked through, they often show up as physical symptoms instead. The digestive system is particularly sensitive to stress and overwhelm.

4. Transitions are really, really hard

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Leaving the playground becomes a major meltdown. Changes in routine throw them completely off. Even moving from dinner to bath time feels like a huge ordeal.

Transitions require a lot of emotional flexibility - being able to let go of one thing and move on to something else. When a child's system is already overwhelmed, even small changes can feel threatening. Their body remembers that transitions have been hard before, so it starts anticipating problems even when everything's fine.

5. Small problems trigger huge reactions

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Their favorite cup is in the dishwasher and this leads to tears. The "wrong" socks cause a complete meltdown. Being asked to clean up toys results in either rage or total shutdown.

This one breaks my heart because these kids aren't being dramatic or manipulative. When children don't have tools to regulate their emotions, even tiny stressors can trigger their whole nervous system. Their body is telling them this moment feels overwhelming, even when logically we know it's a small thing.

Here's the thing though...

If you're recognizing your child in any of these signs, please know you're not alone. And more importantly, there's so much hope. Kids are incredibly resilient, and with the right tools, they can learn to work with their body's signals instead of being overwhelmed by them.

The most helpful approach I've found is giving children simple, concrete ways to notice what their body is telling them and to respond with kindness instead of fear. Things like breathing exercises, ways to identify feelings, comfort strategies, and knowing who their safe adults are can make such a ✨HUGE difference.

And here's the thing, every child is unique, so what works for one might not work for another - and that's completely okay. The goal isn't to eliminate big feelings (because feelings are normal and healthy!). It's to help our kids develop a good relationship with their emotions and trust what their body is telling them.

That's actually why I created Milo's Toolbox for Big Feelings - a collection of simple, kid-friendly strategies that help children connect with what their body is telling them in gentle, playful ways. Because when children feel safe in their bodies, everything else becomes so much easier.

⏰The toolbox will be ready in late August. If you'd like to be the first to know when it's available, I'd love for you to sign up for my email newsletter. Thanks for reading, and here's to helping our kids feel more at ease in their own bodies. 🫶