Children Aren't Making Memories. They're Collecting Evidence

One of the most remarkable things about the human brain is that it's constantly changing. Neuroscientists call this neuroplasticity. As children grow, their brains are continually shaped by the experiences they have and the messages they receive. They're constantly collecting evidence about themselves and the world around them. Some of that evidence comes from life's biggest moments, but much of it comes from the moments we barely notice.

Long before children have the words to explain who they are or how the world works, they're drawing conclusions from the experiences around them. Every interaction, relationship, and story becomes another piece of information they use to answer life's biggest questions.

Am I lovable?

Am I safe?

Do I matter?

As adults, we tend to focus on the big moments in our children's lives: birthdays, graduations, vacations, and accomplishments. We worry about making the right decisions, saying the right things, and providing the right opportunities. And yet, in doing so, we often discount the small moments that seem far too ordinary to leave a lasting impression. Children experience those moments differently.

They're gathering evidence from the way adults respond to mistakes, how people listen when they speak, and the messages they receive about themselves and the world around them.

When children repeatedly experience comfort, kindness, and connection, their brains begin to expect those experiences. Over time, they become part of how children understand themselves and the world. That's neuroplasticity in action.

Many of those messages come from the people closest to them—a parent, teacher, grandparent, neighbor, or friend. If they're lucky, they receive them from all of those relationships. Others arrive in less obvious ways: a favorite song, a family tradition, a stuffed animal, or a book.

What a Few Little Birdies Taught Me About Home

Speaking of books, when I was four years old, I cherished two things: my Snuggles doll and my Home book. Well-loved and now many decades old, my Home book is tattered, stained, and missing it's binding. But somehow it survived every move, every season of my life, and every search through boxes labeled "important."

And the funny thing is, I couldn't even read it when I first fell in love with it. But still, I studied the illustrations and memorized every pixel. And in that process, I allowed the images on the pages of a warm home, a woman baking cookies, cats curled up beside a roaring fire, and little birds building a nest to create a space inside of me that felt safe. A space I could believe in, hope for, and return to, when my own home provided less nourishment than I needed.

Years later, while training as a child and family therapist, I learned about resources, which is anything that helps us feel safe, hopeful, connected, or calm. It can be a person, a place, an object, a memory, or even a book. And looking back, it dawned on me that little Home book was exactly that - a resource. It was also the beginning for the search for evidence that life could be beautiful, kind, and loving. That I could seek and find signs of goodness in people, places, and things, outside of my own little world. So you see? One little book, one small gesture, one tiny moment can change a child's life.

Reinforcing the goodness of life

We often talk about the impact of adversity on children, and rightly so. But positive experiences have just as much power to provide children everything they need to believe in a different reality and to overcome difficulties. Because children can absorb kindness, encouragement, beauty, and love just much as they absorb criticism and fear. If we know one thing, it's that time and repetition build patterns and pattern recognition. And that positive experiences can become part of the story children tell themselves about who they are and what they can expect from the world.

So, if you're wondering if you're doing enough, remember, your child only needs to be reminded of their goodness and the goodness of life, one moment at a time. And you never know, it could be the simplest thing (a tiny book, or a shared laugh, or a kind word) they end up carrying with them forever. Because the smallest things often become the stories we carry with us for the rest of their lives.