When Bad Things Happen to Good Families: Building Resilience Through Crisis

Big Human Jenna
1 day ago
4 min read

Last month, I sat across from a friend who was barely holding it together. Her family had been hit with a perfect storm: her husband's job loss, her mother's cancer diagnosis, and their teenage son struggling with anxiety. "I feel like I'm failing him," she whispered with tears in her eyes. "How can I help him be resilient when everything feels like it's falling apart?"

Her question stayed with me for weeks because it touches on something every caregiver grapples with: How do we build strong, resilient children when life itself feels unstable? How do we create security when we're facing our own insecurities?

The truth is, no family is immune to life's storms. Job losses, illness, divorce, moves, financial stress, global crises, family conflict. These experiences are part of the human condition, and pretending they won't touch our families isn't realistic or helpful.

But here's what I've learned from years of conversations with families who've weathered incredible challenges: it's not the absence of adversity that creates resilient children. It's the presence of love and security even in the midst of adversity that does.

The Soil Matters: Creating Security Even in Hard Times

I think about a family environment like soil in a garden. Plants with rich, nourishing soil weather storms better, and I've seen the same pattern with children - those rooted in loving families seem to handle challenges with more strength. But here's what's given me so much hope over the years: even children who haven't had that ideal 'soil' can absolutely thrive when they have just one person who truly believes in them and loves them consistently. Sometimes that's a grandparent, a teacher, a coach, or a family friend. One secure relationship can change everything.

What does "healthy soil" actually look like when everything feels chaotic?

Consistency in the small things. When big things feel unpredictable, children find comfort in predictable routines. The same bedtime story, the weekly pizza night, the Sunday morning pancakes. These small rituals become sources of comfort and stability.

Emotional availability over perfection. Your child doesn't need you to have all the answers or to hide your own struggles completely. They need to know that you're present and available, even when you're worried or stressed yourself. And authenticity matters - kids can spot a lie a mile away.

Honest communication that's age-appropriate. Children sense when something is wrong, and secrets often feel scarier than truth. Sharing what's happening in terms they can understand actually increases their sense of security because it eliminates the unknown.

Why Love is Your Child's Superpower

Research in attachment theory shows us something beautiful: children who feel wholly loved and securely attached to their caregivers develop what's essentially a superpower. They carry within them an unshakeable belief that they are worthy of love and capable of handling whatever comes their way.

When children have experienced responsive caregiving, they develop confidence in their ability to seek help and work through challenges. They're not afraid to try because they know support is there. They bounce back from stress more quickly because their nervous systems have learned to return to baseline after activation.

The beautiful thing about secure attachment is that it doesn't require perfect circumstances. In fact, some of the most securely attached children I know come from families that have faced significant challenges. Their secret? Consistent, loving responses to problems, not the absence of problems altogether.

How Crisis Can Actually Strengthen Families

Here's something that might surprise you: research on post-traumatic growth shows that families who successfully navigate crisis together often emerge stronger than they were before. Studies indicate that families who work together through adversity emerge stronger and more united, equipped to face future challenges with resilience. This isn't about toxic positivity or pretending that hard things are good. It's about recognizing that adversity, when met with love and support, can actually deepen bonds and build resilience.

Why crisis can strengthen families:

When families face challenges together, they develop a unique bond. They know they can count on each other because they've proven it during difficult times. Crisis has a way of stripping away what doesn't matter and highlighting what does. Each challenge successfully navigated builds the family's collective confidence.

Practical strategies for building strength through crisis

🌱 Create meaning together. Help your children understand how your family's challenges have taught you important lessons or brought you closer together.

💬 Share stories of resilience. Tell your children about times when you or your family overcame difficulties. Let them see that struggle is part of the human experience and that people can grow through it.

🤝 Build your support network. Show your children that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Let them see you connecting with friends, family, or community during tough times.

🎯 Focus on what you can control. When everything feels chaotic, identify the small things your family can influence and take action on those.

🎉 Celebrate small wins. Acknowledge every step forward, no matter how small. Getting through a difficult day is worth celebrating.

💪 What challenges has your family navigated together? How have you seen your children grow stronger through difficult experiences? Remember, there's no perfect way to handle crisis, but there are countless ways to love your children through it.